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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I should be contented with everything now. Should i? Should not?
MAJOR MOODSWING. My emotions are all out of control now.
~~Fuck!~~

Sister, I want to meet you! I miss you.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!
All i want for Christmas is Him♥
and Santa that's my only wish this year.

I'm guilty, i haven't got the Christmas presents for love ones.
Soon, New year will be coming, and i have to come up with a whole new list of resolution.
And no, not good! I'm not even convinced at all that i can come up with my new list with me ~~not at the correct state~~ of mind, ~~still~~.

Received some stupid letter claiming that i haven't attend school for ~~one, two, three,~~ four days. Like why should i go when exams has already ended? Stupid. I've totally lost my focus. I'm trying hard to convince myself not to quit school at this point of time. Not to give up at this point of time. My result, this year, SUCKS. I know i have to carry on, i'm not the kind of people who will give up easily, I can't give up just here. Shall think about it seriously when school re-opens then. Since then, HOLIDAY IS HERE. I would just indulge myself in work, family and my Private Giam. Wake me up only when this year ends. I never claim that i wanted a bed of roses, but this year has been rather sucky for me, I'm hoping that next year it will be better.

In case you people have no idea what to get for me, can i have The whole series of The Twilight Saga novel*. I am looking at you with large doleful eyes. HAHAHA!

and oh-ya by the way, Happy fifteenth birthday to KENNY TANWEIKIAT.
Isn't good to be fifteenth?

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Can someone tell me, who i used to be? I don’t recognise myself anymore. Can someone tell me, who Serena is? Who Serena Tan is? Who Tan Sockling is? Who i am? Who i used to be?

It had came to a point where I’d just rather fail. I don't want any more vicissitudes.
I don’t want to care anymore. I just want out, I've had it. I wish I did.
But I don’t. And I just can't. Wait, what the ~~fuck~~ am i trying to say?

I am nineteen? And i am already feel exhausted.
Sometimes i wish i wish, daddy tan could just come and take me with him.

Can someone heal me from this never-ending pain?

Friends? Tell me, out of the many friends you have, how many can you trust? 4,2,1,None?
How many of your friends really treat you the way you treat them?
How many really stay by your when you are ~~not okay~~?
How many can you really pour your sorrow to?
How many claim that they are your friends but back-stab you behind you?
How many they thought they know/understand you alot, but actually they don't?
How many will call you when they need you and ~~fuck-care~~ about you when they don't?

Whenever Dee is not around, i feel handicapped. Like, I'm just alone, alone.

Friday, December 04, 2009

I'm being haunted by the ghost of my past.

Do you know what it is like to crumble, how it hurts to put a smile on sorrow,
how it hurts to keep on keeping on, trying all you can to try to zap the thing on the inside.
How disturbing it is when you realise you hate yourself so much,
and that you cannot stand who you are. This spite is the very thing that break me.

Then then then.. He make me feel better and all-me again.

Can you see how silly he is, just to make me smile?

We were laughing under the sun and in the rain.
We were enveloped in happiness.
We were doing this and that, together.

My-Christofle Giam♥

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Some things are just so hard to write about. It's like you've got this unnoticeable tape shutting the mouth. You have the tendency to either over-dramatized it or underplayed it.
Prattling irresponsibly brings you nowhere too. It's never really penned the way you wanted it to be.

Being outwardly unhappy and chronically depressed annoyed people.
But pretending everything is fine kills me, I'd drown in my own mind.

My mood has been going up and down and up and down recently.
Tears of frustration began to fill my eyes. That minute, i burst into tears and finds vent
in wailing. And the day continued and blended into one long, endless round of drudgery.
I felt like, ~~Fuck-fucking~~ annoyed. I felt helpless and pissed with whatever that is going on around me. ~~FUCK!~~ I've no idea when i've turn so vulgar. I'm so negative. I'm so depressed.
I'm so "Short-tempered". No, I'm such a pain. I'm such a ~~bitch~~. I'm just is so so not me.

And for Dee, he has to bear with the pain of the loss of his dearest grandfather. Why is it all the time the one you love, the one you care for, the one who cares for you has to go. What about those been left behind? They could only try to move on in their sorrow and grief. Why must they have to take them away when we haven't have enough of them? Life, isn't fair at all. It has never been.

For everything, i know i'll always Christofle Giam there for me.
In near to 6 and a 1/2 hours time, 7 ♥♥

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I dreamt of Daddy Tan, once again. We were having dinner together, the scene seems
to be so heart-warming, so sweet and so blessed. But when i open my eyes, poof! He's gone.
When i realise, i lack of the ability to turn time back. That kind of feeling is
kind of ~~sucky~~. I need a catharsis to help me deal with that same old dull aching pain.

It's not like there were traumatic happenings today, just mundane affairs.
I don't know when, when i start living a cloistered life, secluded from the world.
Do this happen when people grow up, and everyone started leading a different life?
I just can't believe that during his(daddy tan) absence, things changed so much,
or should i say, i changed so much.

The pain of losing one that you loved and loves you so unconditionally and selfishly,
keeps coming back-and fro, it's when you thought you have forgotten about it.
But try thinking a little harder, the pain is still there, like fresh.
I'm trying to make his absences changed me into a better person, but i doubt that i have the strength to do so, i know having him around would be way-better than it is now.
It's not about moving on and letting go, it's about the journey to doing so.

Mummy say that you didn't came into my dream, it's just that i miss you too much,
I miss you and need you being there, that's is the reason why i dreamt of you.
Daddy Tan, sometimes i wonder, if i could turn time back, to be a better person,
would you stay by my side, till i grow up, find a job, get married and have my own kids
before you leave me?

I miss Daddy Tan so dearly.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

All these days, it has been horrible for me, Dee was the thing that kept me going on happier.
I had to struggle to make myself wake up for school, it seems like i'll never have enough sleep.
School has been like shit for me, trying to make myself concentrate more in class,
and blah blah blah blah.
This month, My dearest girl Claudia.T is back, which cheer me up quite alot somehow.
And for the fact that Dee is by my side.
Mummy Tan/Sim, haven't been very nice recently, Kenny.T is so pissing me off at home.
Of course i'm somehow someway affected.
I can't help by asking why do we have to pass so many stages of life in order to grow up?
I never did expect a bed of roses, but neither did I foresee a mountain of weeds.

But through them..
I learned independence, self-reliance, self-rule and self-sufficiency
Understand the pointlessness of having someone when there isn't love.
I found out what sacrifice meant, what commitment felt like,and the pain and rewards of being in love.

Two individuals, coming from all walks of life, can spark off a chemistry so dynamic.
Despondently,affection is not sufficing, love is not enough.

Perhaps I'm more skeptical, more flippant, more indifferent, more misanthropic
Maybe I'm just naively idealistic.

You made the world smile. Our bundle of joy.
You are always thought of in a very special way.
Much love, much much love. Christofle Giam.

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ღ Tan Serena
19, Higher Nitec Admin,
ITE College East.
11-June 1990
It's all about,(♥)Christofle Giam
♥ AMC, Claudia.T, Grace.G, Walter.T

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